Reagan has surpassed Logan.
I told myself to prepare for it but I was in denial that it would actually happen - but it has. This is our first time experiencing an infant developing into a baby and then growing into a toddler exactly the way she should. EVERY SINGLE thing that she does pronounces something Logan doesn't do or can't do. And I find myself losing hope that Logan will eventually grow out of his delays & quirks. The simplest things that Reagan does, her instinctual knowledge and abilities, are not present in Logan. Logan does not have instinct. Imagine having to teach a child - literally teach & practice every single day something that a normal baby would just learn in a natural progression. It is beyond frustrating and beyond tiring and I want to give up.
Logan is baffling to me and I feel out of control.
Reagan has popped two molars out in less than 2 weeks so maybe that explains her fits - but for some reason I think that is just an excuse. She loves me so much that if I slip away to go to the bathroom (with the door open) she immediately starts crying wandering the house looking for me. She has an attitude and shows it, with colors. She clings to my legs and cries and throws herself on the floor and I do my best to ignore. But eventually the tears start to flow because after a day of extreme effort and patience testing with Logan all I need to put me over the edge is a few uncalledfor fits from Reagan. That isn't fair to Reagan and I know it.
Reagan is a normal baby going through phases, it's new to me and that makes me sad.
In a nutshell I feel out of control and sad.
I know I will find, in my own time, how to accept the hand we've been dealt but in the meantime I go day to day hoping for a good day.
Daddy's on travel this week but today was a good day.
We left the door open all day, watched it thunderstorm, let all the flies fly in and then "splatted!" them with the fly swatter and belly laughed.
and after every storm - the sun comes out again.
ReplyDeletelove love love you.
Can't wait to be with you guys !! I heart you! xoxoxoxox
ReplyDeleteHang in there!! There ups and downs, joys and fears with each child...good days and bad ones. Your love and patience with both Logan and Reagan will carry you through. Is there a play group where you could chat and share with other moms (moral support!!) We think of you all often!
ReplyDeleteWhat can I say to make you happy and less frustated or
ReplyDeleteanxious. Just love them both. Reagan will be your pillar of strength. Thinking of yinz alot--please
stay positive with love and understanding.
Day by day and this phase will pass. Your such a strong person and mommy.
ReplyDeleteTracy
Erin, you are a great mommy. I know the days are long and often frustrating. Remember to look for even the smallest little growth and celebrate even the tiniest of successes. You are a role model of strength and perseverance for all of us!
ReplyDeleteHi Erin - I came across your blog from Andrea's this morning and saw this post. I felt as a parent of a special needs child I must share. All the thoughts you are feeling as a parent are so complete normal! I, too, grieve for the struggles my son has faced, faces, and likely will face in the future. It is heartbreaking to me that things must be harder for him than most. Yet, when I take a step back I realize just how incredibly happy he is. To him his quality of life is phenomenal, as I am sure Logan feels also. As a mother we will always have our sad moments, wishing for only the very best for our children, yet it is our child that will be our light in our darkest hour. Hang in there, you are doing a fabulous job of living in the moment and bring much joy in your children's lives.
ReplyDelete